


Arrhythmia

by hypnoticphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Soulmates, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Fluff, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Hurt Phil Lester, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Phil Lester Is A Sweetheart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 18:52:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16624520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypnoticphan/pseuds/hypnoticphan
Summary: Science has come up with a way for you to tell if you’ve found your soulmate. When you are born, you receive a sterling silver cuff which has your soulmate’s pulse in it, so that you can feel connected at all times. You can also see their heart rate on the silver. When you meet your soulmate, the silver of the cuff turns to a brilliant shade of indigo, so that you know you’ve found your one true love.Phil Lester has a cuff, and it is still silver. But he knows something is wrong with his soulmates heart. He needs to find him, and fix him, before it is too late.Words: 5.5K





	Arrhythmia

Phil Lester wasn’t sure true love actually existed. Maybe it was just a hoax to get people to believe in life and to have something to look forward to in their boring, day-after-day lives. Oh, you don’t want to go to work today? What if you run into your soulmate on the way there, while they’re rushing to get to work too and they spill their hot, chestnut-coloured coffee on you and you realize that you like your coffee the same way? You don’t want to meet with your teacher for that assignment you missed on Tuesday? What if your soulmate is waiting in the hallways for their friend while you’re walking into the classroom of your shit teacher who is making you do a make-up assignment? You didn’t see your soulmate in the hallways but you didn’t do your make-up assignment either, so you get detention. You could skip it, but what if your soulmate has also gotten detention that same day? One more thing in common right?  ****  
** **

 

_ (Love is a grandiose delusion that left him empty and soulless.) _

****

Phil didn’t think he’d ever find his soulmate, or any of that bullshit existed. He was _27_ , for God’s sake, and all of his friends had found theirs, and they were always talking about how amazing it felt to finally be with someone who was meant for them, who would support and accept and love them whatever they did, no matter what happened and frankly, Phil was sick of hearing about what he’ll never get to experience. Whenever Phil thought about not meeting his special one, his breathing got faster and he felt like he had just run two triathlons without proper training. 

****

Of course, he felt his soulmate’s heartbeat from the sterling cuff that was still silver and would probably always be. The pulse was weird; irregular. It was fine one minute, and then it would be so fast as if Phil wasn’t the one who had run two triathlons, but his soulmate had. Then the next minute, it would plummet down to nearly nothing. It was as if his soulmate was on his deathbed at all times, and to be completely honest, it scared Phil so much. It was worse than knowing your soulmate was out there but never being able to meet them. The thought of his soulmate actually dying was terrifying. 

****

_ (He could’ve had him but he wasn’t fast enough; he was too slow. He lost him.) _

****

He’d read stories about one soulmate dying and the other staying alive, and it was apparently the most painful process. Not only are you suffering from heartbreak, but since the world has become aware that there is another half to a person, it feels as if God has reached into your body and ripped out your entire soul, and then glued it back together with eyelash glue and stuffed it back into your body. It feels like your soul is always breaking and God is always putting it back together, but scrappily. It’s like learning that your grandmother has died, and then your cat, and then your mother. Three times the heartbreak, and for some people, the pain is unbearable, so they go to meet their soulmate in whatever comes after death.

****

Phil walked down the street to the Starbucks while thinking these disheartening thoughts. His mother had known her soulmate for three months, and those three months resulted in Phil’s conception. After the third month however, his mother’s soulmate died and she was constantly looking at her bracelet when she thought Phil wasn’t looking. It was quite sad, actually. As much as he loved his mother, he never wanted to end up like she did, with an ink black bracelet to match her ink black heart.

_**** _

_ (He did, and it was his entire fault; he could’ve had him, he could’ve saved him.) _

****

Phil knew he needed to go out to find his soulmate because it wasn’t like his soulmate was going to walk into his front door and propose to him right there. He went out once a week, other than to school, just to give his soulmate a chance to find him. He would go out to the shops for an hour or two, or he would go to the Starbucks down the street. It was almost December, and the closer Phil got to the Starbucks, the stronger the smell of peppermint and gingerbread and nostalgia and the cold, wintertime air got, and he could feel his soulmate’s heartbeat getting faster and he thought  _ Oh no please not here _ because soulmate’s souls are literally tied together, and whenever his soulmate’s heart irregularity happened, he got emotionally tired and he had to stay home from school because of how drained he got. Phil quickened up his pace so that he could find a booth to sit in and rest. 

****

As soon as he walked in, however, he saw the most beautiful boy he had ever seen standing at the till, and that boy was holding his chest and he looked in so much pain. Phil felt the urge to go over to the tall boy and help him, but he was mesmerized by the way the beautiful stranger’s forehead wrinkled when he frowned and how his slightly chapped pink lips moved as he said  _ I’m fine, I just need to sit down, thank you _ and how his long, black skinny jean-covered legs strode to the only open booth and how his alluring deep brown eyes framed by dark lashes looked up through his brown fringe and into Phil’s icy blue ones. Phil broke eye contact with the stranger and looked at his cuff, which was turning a periwinkle blue while heating up. He took a step towards the stranger’s booth and the cuff turned to an azure blue, and Phil looked up to meet the stranger’s eyes. His right hand was over his heart, and so was his cuff. Phil’s cuff was the same color as the stranger’s, so Phil took four more steps in his direction and watched the stranger’s cuff turn from an azure blue to a darker, more striking blue. Phil was only a few steps from the stranger’s booth, so he went to sit down in the booth. The stranger’s dark brown eyes went from Phil’s blue-gray eyes to the now electric indigo cuff and back to Phil. The stranger put his hand down and held his cuff to Phil’s, which was resting on the table. The electric indigo darkened to the perfect shade of indigo and Phil saw his own heart rate jump on  _ his soulmate’s _ cuff as his warm hand closed around Phil’s icicle hands. 

****

_ (His cuff is black now. He was too slow.) _

****

“I’m Daniel, but you can call me Dan.” The stranger whispered in a husky voice.  _ Daniel. Like the name of a prince. _

****

“Phil.” He was still in shock. He’d always thought his soulmate would be a girl, but this beautiful boy who was sitting in front of him was better than any girl he could have dreamt of. Of course, love and soulmates know no bounds; gender doesn’t matter to the powers beyond the human race.

****

“Phil, it’s nice to finally meet you, and I hate to ask this of you since we just met, but do you have any money?” Dan winced and put his hand over his heart again. “I think I need to get a cab to the hospital. I spent most of mine that I was carrying on me on the macchiato I ordered.” Phil looked at his cuff and saw Dan’s heart rate getting faster and faster and Phil rushed to get money out to show Dan,  _ his soulmate _ , and Phil couldn’t help but think that he would’ve gotten a caramel macchiato too.

****

“I’ll quickly call one for you.” Phil pulled his phone out and realized how much his hands were shaking, from the shock that he had found his one true love, and that there was something wrong with that one true love and that he  _ wasn’t moving fast enough _ . 

****

_ (He needed to dream. He needed to see him.) _

****

“I’ve been wondering, why does your heart do that thing? It’s scared me for as long as I can remember.” Phil studied Dan, from the slight sheen on his wrinkled forehead to the way his leg shook underneath the table whenever his heart rate spiked up.

****

“Have you ever heard of arrhythmia?”

****

Phil’s heart dropped as that sounded like a serious condition. “I think it sounds familiar, but what is it?” Dan began to get up from the booth, but Phil knew that that was most likely a bad idea, so he went around to Dan’s side of the booth to help him get up. 

****

_ (Dream forever. See him forever.) _

****

“Where are you trying to go?” Phil grabbed Dan’s clammy, freezing hands and his thin forearms to steady his weak, shaking body and a jolt of what felt like electricity pulsed through wherever Phil came into contact with Dan. “Please help me outside so I don’t alarm the people in here.” Dan looked down into Phil’s eyes and Phil could see the pain in them. Phil felt himself nod in response to Dan’s request, but wasn’t really aware of it. Phil knew he was running on autopilot now, his body’s automatic response to  _ finally _ finding his soulmate, but realizing that he was more sick than Phil could’ve ever imagined. 

****

He helped Dan out of the coffee shop and onto a bench just outside of the front door. Dan took a shaky breath and started to explain his condition to Phil.

****

“My heart… it doesn’t perform the way it’s supposed to. It’ll be working fine one minute, then the next… it’s not. Basically, the top half of my heart unsyncs with the bottom half of my heart and it ‘flutters’. I’m sure you’ve felt what I’m describing.” Phil watched how Dan’s trembling fingers curl to form the quotation marks and how the left side of Dan’s mouth curled up at the end in a sad smile, and Phil couldn’t help but think about how pretty his hands, as well as his lips, were. Every single thing about this boy that he just met was pretty, beautiful, mysterious, and Phil was sure that he loved him already. The flash of indigo when Dan lowered his hands reminds Phil that of course he loved him already, this was the person he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with, through thick and thin, through sickness and in health.  _ Emphasis on the sickness _ , Phil thought.

****

_ (Together. Forever.) _

****

Dan continued to explain his situation to Phil, and of course Phil was paying attention, but he was also lost in his thoughts. Thoughts about the twinkling sound of Dan’s extremely articulate voice, the perfect pitch, not too high and not too low; thoughts about the way Dan’s lower lip jutted slightly to the side after every sentence, and the way his almond shaped eyes crinkled at the corners, and Phil couldn’t help but think about what Dan was going to look like when he gets older.

****

The cab pulled up right as Phil was thinking about how he was going to tell his mom that the love of his life, the person he was so sure either didn’t exist or was halfway across the world so that he would never meet them, was not only a guy (albeit beautiful), but was so sickly that he was constantly going in and out of the hospital because of some stupid heart condition that was apparently not severe enough for the doctors to help Phil’s soulmate get rid or cure it for him. 

****

_ (He loved him so much. He couldn’t believe he was gone.) _

****

Dan tugged on Phil’s sleeve when the cab honked at them. “Way too impatient, these cabs,” Dan laughed for the first time since Phil and him met, and Phil’s heart nearly stopped.  _ This is it _ , Phil thought.  _ This is love _ . Dan’s laugh echoed around Phil’s head, and Phil could already tell that he would remember that wondrous and heavenly laugh until the day he died.

****

_ (It wouldn’t be long now.) _

****

“Do you think you’ll ever get better?” Phil’s voice shook with fear, shock, and anxiety, as well as a little bit of excitement from finding his other half. He helped Dan into the cab and asked the driver to take them to the nearest emergency room. 

****

“Don’t go dying in my cab!” The cab driver said jokingly, but it shook Phil to the core. Dan joked back with the man in the front seat, but Phil was too busy thinking about his mother and how affected she had been from his father’s death and he didn’t want that to be him, but the driver  _ wasn’t driving fast enough _ . Phil could feel his entire being begin to shake, and Dan must have as well, as he placed his hand on Phil’s knee. Phil looked down at the gorgeous hand that cupped his kneecap and physically felt his body, and mind, relax. It was so reassuring to know that his soulmate was finally beside him and comforting him, even though Phil knew he should’ve been doing what Dan was doing for him.

****

_ (No more comfort, he’s constantly shaking.) _

****

They reached the emergency room and Phil helped Dan walk into the reception area after paying the cab driver, and after checking in, they sat and waited for the next available doctor.

****

“Do you have to wait every time?” Phil could feel his anxiety rising again, and he could barely contain his emotions. It felt like a dam inside of him was going to burst, and he was going to cry and laugh and scream all at the same time. There was so much that had happened in the past half hour that his body did not know how to process the information that was thrown at him. First, he met his soulmate, who turned out to be deathly ill, who also was a guy, but still had a smile that was more radiant than a sunrise in the crisp winter air, had eyes that sparkled brighter than all the stars on a clear summer night, and had a laugh that could resonate around the entire atmosphere and still come back to you and open your heart. 

****

_ (Never again will he see that smile, or look into those eyes, or experience his laugh.) _

****

“Yes, but I usually get moved to the top of the waitlist because it’s a heart problem I’m having. I think they have a scale on which they place the person, and then they’ll figure out your urgency from there. Or something like that.” Dan chuckled softly at the end of his explanation, and it made Phil’s heart flutter like Dan’s did, but the difference was that Phil knew that this fluttering was the result of love, not the result of an ailment that could cost him his life.

****

_ (Even though eventually, it did.) _

****

Phil waited with Dan for what seemed like ages, but every time Phil checked his phone, it was still the same minute that it had been, only 10 seconds later. When Phil looked around the waiting room, it was surprisingly empty. The only other person was the nurse at the reception desk, and she had walked away to the printer that was hidden from their view. 

****

“So how old are you? I guess while we’re waiting, we can get to know each other since we’ll be spending the rest of our lives together.” Phil looked at Dan, and Dan stuck his tongue out at Phil in a playful manner.  _ How can he be so nonchalant about the fact that we’re in the hospital right now? _ Phil took a deep breath in and decided to humour Dan, to make both himself and Dan feel better. 

****

“I’m 27, how old are you?” He stared at Dan’s face and unbeknownst to Phil, he was subconsciously trying to commit it to memory.

****

_ (It wasn’t enough. He doesn’t remember.) _

****

“23, so that’s a pretty big age gap, in terms of soulmates. Do you remember your cuff being silver for four years before I was born?” Phil thought back to his younger years, but he couldn’t place a memory in his mind ever noticing his cuff colour before high school. Of course, he was distracted from the fact that Dan had used the word  _ soulmates _ out loud, so maybe if he thought harder, the memory would resurface.

****

“No, but I suppose I could look back on old pictures and see.” Phil paused for a couple seconds, trying to come up with an interesting question before settling on the most uninteresting “What’s your full name?”

****

“Daniel James Howell, yours?”

****

“Philip Michael Lester.”

****

“Wow, we literally have the most boring names in existence!” Dan laughed and Phil felt the flutter again, his heart jumping to the frequency of Dan’s laughter.

****

_ (Never again though. The void is all he feels.) _

****

“Did you ever think you’d end up with a guy as your soulmate?” Dan blurted out after abruptly ending his laughter. 

****

“No, I always thought I’d meet a girl. But you’re better than I ever imagined.”  _ What? _ Phil felt his blood rush to his cheeks, making his face beet red in embarrassment from his blatancy, and looked down at his hands that were wringing themselves, from disquietude or from mortification, he couldn’t tell. The more he thought about it however, he knew he felt completely comfortable and didn’t regret telling Dan how he truly felt.  _ This is the man I’m meant to be with, why should I be embarrassed? He most likely feels the same way, _ Phil thought to himself. He looked up at Dan and he was smiling slightly down at Phil, showing a dimple on the right side of his slightly blushing face. Again, Phil’s heart did a somersault.

****

“Philip, I feel the exact same way. You’re already amazing to me, and I’ve known you for not even an hour.” Phil closed his eyes and let the words Dan spoke run over his body, feeling as if a hot shower was relaxing his muscles and sending goosebumps travelling down his extremities and back up to his heart. “Would you be even more amazing and run over to the water fountain down the hall and grab me a cup? I’m parched.” Phil’s blue eyes opened to Dan’s amber eyes, and Phil immediately stood up and began to walk down the hallway.

****

Dan had calmed Phil down so much, just by talking and being by his side, that he was able to walk down the hallway without sprinting to get back. It was true what the people advertised, that as soon as you find your soulmate, you never want to leave their side again. Phil could feel his left arm and leg getting colder, and he realized that he had been sitting so close to Dan that their bodies had been touching, and Phil felt like there was a string attached to his and Dan’s hearts, and he was being tugged back to Dan sitting just down the hallway and around the corner.  _ There pretty much is a string, it’s just invisible and implanted into our DNA _ , Phil figured as he reached the fountain. There was a stack of cups just to the left, and Phil grabbed two and began to fill them up. 

****

_ (His DNA is broken.) _

****

Phil was so lost in thought about the situation that he was in that when he found himself going back to Dan, he saw two doctors running in the same direction and for a second, didn’t think about it. But when he watched the doctors turn the corner, _towards Dan_ , he stopped dead in his tracks and began to squeeze the two paper cups in fear, causing the water to flow out and down his arms and onto the floor. Phil dropped the cups and broke into a sprint down the hallway, rounded the corner, and found Dan slumped on the floor, unmoving, and surrounded by the doctors and a nurse who lifted him onto a gurney, wheeled his body through the door into the emergency bay, and closed the door behind him. A nurse that was assisting the doctors caught Phil on the way to the door, explaining that he shouldn’t see this, that it was best if he stayed out here, that only family members are allowed beyond those doors, coming up with every excuse in the book, but the last sentence that she spoke snapped him out of his dream-like state.

****

He looked at the nurse, broke free of her grip, and showed her his cuff. “I just found him, he is my soulmate, and I have to see him!” Phil cried out, and he felt his whole body turn cold as he continued on by saying, “I can’t lose him, I just met him.”

****

_ (He’s lost him and himself.) _

****

The nurse began to speak to Phil, but her words got lost somewhere between her tongue and his eardrums. It felt as if Phil was moving in slow motion, caught underwater and unable to breathe. He was taking gasping breaths, but all that was going into his lungs was more water and he began to drown in his own tears. The nurse put her hand on Phil’s back and led him to a chair, and Phil could vaguely hear her tell him that she was going to check on Dan and come back to give him updates. Phil looked at the ground where Dan had been laying ten seconds ago, and in the distance heard the door click behind the nurse with a sort of finality that broke Phil down. He cried and sobbed and wept, because he could feel Dan slipping away from Phil, moving between his fingers, feeling like blood or some other viscous liquid, and Phil couldn’t catch him in time. 

****

_ (He’s all gone; if only he moved faster, he’d still be here.) _

****

What seemed like hours later, but Phil knew was only minutes, the nurse came back, accompanied by a doctor. Phil felt like he was in a movie, that this was much too dramatic and sad for it to be happening to him, but it was and he needed to see it through to the end. He stood up and walked over to the doctors, meeting them halfway because they were walking much too slow and Phil needed to know how his soulmate was doing  _ now. _

****

“Phil?” One of the doctors asked, even though there was no one else in the waiting room and he was the only one with scintillating eyes from the amount of crying that was still ongoing. Phil nodded. “Dan is fine, and he’s sleeping. To put it in simple words, his heart had gotten tired and needed to take a rest, but it’s up-and-at-’em now. You can go see him whenever you’re ready, which we are assuming is right now.” Usually, Phil would be somewhat offended at being spoken at like he is a child, but he knew that that was the best thing for his brain, which was slow-moving from all of the shock of the past two hours. Phil nodded again, and the doctors led him through the doors and down a couple hallways, to a door that read “Emergency Bay #2” on it. Phil followed the doctors through, and spotted Dan through the curtain that surrounded his bed in a little forcefield against the world, even though Dan needed protection from his own self. His heart rate shot up faster than he thought possible, and all he wanted was for the doctors to leave so that he could be with Dan alone.

****

“We want to discuss the option of a pacemaker for Dan, but we can wait until after he wakes up and is feeling better.” Phil nodded for a third time, never taking his eyes off of the sliver of Dan that he could see peeking through the curtain. He never wanted to take his eyes off of him again.

****

_(Now, all he can see is blackness.)_

****

The doctors left the room, closing the door behind them, and Phil practically lunged at the curtains, throwing them back to reveal Dan with multiple wires attached all around his body, on his arms, chest, stomach, and legs, and Phil couldn’t help but think about how he looked like a robot. There was a chair placed on Dan’s right side, and Phil slowly moved to sit down beside Dan. Now that Dan was in Phil’s eyesight, Phil didn’t want to move too fast, just in case Dan evaporated right in front of his eyes.

****

As soon as Phil’s bottom hit the chair, he began to cry again, but this time it was silent. He felt overcome with emotion, fear from the fact that Dan had almost left him, stress from the fact that Dan was laying next to Phil, looking like something from a sci-fi movie, and relief from the fact that despite collapsing and being a robot, he was still here and snoring slightly. Phil reached for Dan’s hair, which had flopped down onto his forehead. He pushed it back, revealing more of his face, which had turned towards Phil. He took Dan’s hands in his own, and laid his head down on the bed next to Dan. Thoughts and images of Dan smiling and laughing crossed his mind like sheep jumping over a fence, and soon Phil was the one snoring.

****

_ (The only images now are of him empty and cold.) _

****

~;~;~;~

****

“Hey, sleepyhead.” Phil’s eyes fluttered, but stayed shut. He was just so warm.

****

_(He’s so cold. Why is he so cold?)_

****

“Hellooooo?” There was a soft, melodic voice working its way through Phil’s slumber. Phil stretched his legs out, and slowly lifted his head up to meet the eyes peering down at him.  _ Dan. _

****

“How’s it going?” The casual voice that was being used made Phil slightly annoyed, but any feeling of vexation that crossed Phil was pushed away by the feeling that washed over him when Dan looked at him with a goofy stare on his face, waiting for a response.

****

“Oh, you know, it’s going great. Just in a hospital with a boy I just met, who just woke up from near death.” Phil couldn’t help the slight sarcasm that snuck into his voice, and he immediately regretted it. Dan didn’t seem to notice however, and tittered at Phil’s remarks.

****

“Not just any boy though,” Dan said, sobering up slightly. “Your soulmate.”

_**** _

_ (His soulmate.) _

****

“Soulmate.” Phil said slowly, trying the word in his mouth. It felt foreign, like an object that he should spit out because of the choking hazard it presented. However, he pressed on. “You’re my soulmate.” 

****

“Yes, and you are mine.” Dan took Phil’s hands in his own and Phil felt a pleasant feeling cascade down his body, radiating from where Dan’s fingers were intertwining with his.

****

“Do you feel that?” Phil whispered, unsure if he was asking Dan or himself.

****

“Yes,” Dan whispered back, and shifted his body over. “Come lay up here with me.”

****

“Are you sure?”

****

“Yes.”

****

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

****

“You’re not going to break me, I promise.”

****

( _He's the one who ended up broken; broken and alone inside._ )

****

Phil stood up from the chair and pulled back Dan’s covers. He swung one leg up, but before he could bring the other one up, Dan asked him to turn off the heart monitor.

****

“What?” Phil asked in alarm. He couldn’t believe Dan wanted to turn off the one thing that would warn them of what just happened.

****

“Hey, don’t worry. The beeping just freaks me out, and once an episode happens, it won’t happen for a little while again, plus they have me loaded with drugs, so I’ll be fine.” Dan gave a few reassurances to Phil, who reluctantly turned it off, then grabbed his hand and gently tugged on it to signal that he wanted him to get into bed again.

****

Phil settled into the bed and laid his head against Dan’s chest, partly because that was as close as they could get, and partly because he wanted to hear the bastard heart that was betraying its owner. He could hardly hear the beats, but they were there. It relaxed him more, and Phil snuggled into Dan, feeling as if he was going to fall asleep again. The entirety of Phil’s body was now electric, and it felt extremely powerful but soothing at the same time. Phil couldn’t believe that he had lived without this feeling for _27 years_. He never wanted to leave this bed; never wanted to leave Dan’s side.

****

_ (That feeling is gone. Forever.) _

****

“What were you dreaming about?” Dan’s soft, mellisonant voice broke through Phil’s train of thought.

****

“You.” Phil said simply. “It was all you.” He closed his eyes and began to drift off in Dan’s arms, his head softly bobbing with the beat of Dan’s heart. As he finally fell into the arms of sleep, Dan whispered something to Phil, which was followed by a kiss on the top of Phil’s head. Phil was too deep in his almost-sleep to register what Dan had said, and the last thing he thought was  _ I’ll just ask him when we wake up what it was that he said _ with a soft smile remaining on his face as he drifted to sleep.

****

_ (What he said is all that he can think about now, those words echoing around this empty room and this empty heart.) _

****

~;~;~;~

****

As Phil opened his eyes from his second nap of the day, he could sense there was something wrong. He didn’t want to disturb Dan though, just in case he was sleeping, so he didn’t call his name. Phil lay on his chest for a couple of minutes before a feeling of dread washed over him.  _ Dan is so cold. Why is he so cold? _ Phil reached to grab Dan’s hand to see if his hands were cold too, and felt his head press more into Dan’s chest from the awkward angle he moved himself into. At last, Phil realized what was wrong about the situation he was in.  _ Where are Dan’s bastard heartbeats? _ Phil scrambled out of bed, no longer caring if he disturbed Dan, as long as he woke up and reassured Phil again. But as soon as he laid his eyes on Dan, he could tell it was an empty shell of what he once knew. Slowly, he moved his eyes from Dan’s body to his wrist, looking to confirm what he already knew was happening. 

****

Blackness, screaming, pain, anger.

****

~;~;~;~

****

Black.

****

That’s what his life is now.

****

He doesn’t leave his room, he doesn’t eat anything, despite the pleas from his mother. He never opens his curtains, as he doesn’t want to see the springtime coming into existence. Springtime symbolizes rebirth, regrowth, love, and hope. Things that are missing from Phil’s life ever since his cuff turned jet black. 

****

He has been contemplating this for a while now, but he knows today is the day. Laying on his bed, he thinks back 3 months. It’s been 3 months since his soulmate left his life.

****

The only thing that resonates around Phil’s room is the last thing that Dan said to him. He tried to decipher what it was for so long, until one night, while he was sleeping, he realized. Now it’s all he hears, along with a couple of lines on repeat.

****

Love is a grandiose delusion that left him empty and soulless. Of course, he could’ve had him but he wasn’t fast enough; he was too slow.  _ I lost him.  _ His cuff is black now.  _ I lost him. _ He needed to dream. He needed to see him. If he dreams forever, he’ll see him forever. He loved him so much. He couldn’t believe he was gone.  _ It wouldn’t be long now _ . He has no more comfort in his life, he’s constantly shaking. Never again will he see that smile, or look into those eyes, or experience his laugh.  _ Stupid illness _ .  _ I wish it could take me _ . Eventually, it does, albeit in a different way. He’s lost him and himself. He’s all gone; if only he moved faster, he’d still be here. Now, all he can see is blackness. The only images now are of him empty and cold.  _ He’s so cold. Why is he so cold?  _ His soulmate. That feeling is gone. _Forever._

****

Phil closes his eyes and the pill bottle clatters from his right hand, onto the wooden floor. He can feel himself growing colder,  _ just as Dan did _ . While he was laying on him, nonetheless.  _ It’s all my fault _ . What Dan said is all that he can think about now, those words echoing around this empty room and this empty heart.

****

_ “I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” _

****

Phil closes his eyes and for once, embraces the blackness that envelopes his entire being. 

 

_ Dan. I’m finally dreaming. Let's be together, forever. _


End file.
